Would YOU read this if it were a novel?

i think what you have done is try to make it seem professional too quickly, as it seem like the story is just and empty shell, rather than a story that has been built up. The grammar needs copious amounts of improvement, and seems to have the same problem that i have had in recent years- you rush the story, not even attempting to create some form of basis for the character. The story also looks random and some background detail would be nice before i could truly rate the story properly. The story is also uninteresting. this comment may be harsh but if no-ones gonna give it to you straight, you'll never improve.